Two Hands & A Roadmap

Day 1 went fairly well. The oil tested my gag reflex a little, but then it went down. The sugar water was much easier on me when I took it in the evening. No change in appetite. In fact, I was counting the minutes after sugar water so I could eat something.

Then I heard a knock on my door. A late UPS delivery brought me my very own copy of the The Shangri-La Diet: The No Hunger Eat Anything Weight-Loss Plan, and I see that my library copy was the old version. A few things are different now, most notably that sugar water is no longer a main part of the diet. Rather, it’s an “extra credit” thing you can do for weight loss. Damn. However, there’s a hint for taking the oil: mix it with water and add a little sugar. I intend to do that as soon as I can take today’s dose.

Speaking of today, it’s technically Day 2. I’m not going to lie to you: output has increased. I also have a mildly upset stomach, but nothing unmanageable. So far I don’t feel hungry, and it’s 9:48 a.m. Today will be a very good test because I’m taking my first dose of oil at 10:45 and substitute teaching from 11:30 until 3:00. What with keeping the peace, writing hall passes, catching students making fun of me out of the corner of my eye, and oh yeah, teaching, I doubt there will be much time for eating.

The whackadoodles over at the I Hate My Messageboard forums have done it again! They’ve convinced to try something I never would have even heard of otherwise. I start the Shangri-La Diet today.

I’m not new to this kind of bandwagon thing.  Over the last few years, messageboard conventional wisdom has led me to purchase exercise videos, special lunchboxes, cleaning products, and makeup. So last week, when the ihmmb forums started buzzing with the talk of the Shangri-La Diet, it’s probably not surprising that I felt myself get swept up.

Coincidentally, it’s suggestibility that got me needing a diet in the first place. Watching a fast food commercial, I think, “Why yes, I DO deserve a break today!” And here I am, almost 37 years old, with a Big Mac ass and my fruit pies hanging down to my knees. So when Tracy said, “Hey, let’s do this crazy thing and blog it,” I replied, “Sign me up!”

This diet is based on  The Shangri-La Diet: The No Hunger Eat Anything Weight-Loss Plan by Seth Roberts. It seeks to reset your body’s “set point,” or the weight that your body works to maintain. If your set point is lower, you will desire just the amount of food to maintain that weight. To accomplish this, followers drink a small amount of oil and/or sugar water of all things. Getting calories from such flavorless sources supposedly breaks the flavor/calorie connection that cranks up your set point and thus makes you gain weight. Once this set point is lowered, you will (the theory attests) feel like eating only when you need to.

That’s just the basics. There’s a lot more in the book, so please don’t expect a blog entry to give you all the specifics on a diet plan. Just don’t. You can win your own copy of the book by entering Tracy’s contest!

Some parts of this diet give me hope:

• Utlimately, it’s about eating less. Sure there’s also that set point stuff, which may not be complete hogwash, but the author says outright that you’re going to be eating less, which should lead to weight loss.
• People have reported a better relationship with food and less emotional eating.

Other parts concern me:

• Let’s be honest, I’m afraid of anal leakage. Drinking oil seems like a really speedy way to clean things out, and if I’m going to drop a deuce in public, I’d like a little warning. To be fair, though, no one has mentioned this as a problem.
• Also, as easy as it sounds, how long can someone keep up the routine? Right now it’s easy to arrange my schedule, to take the oil or sugar water at least an hour after eating, and then not eating for another hour afterward. But two, three months down the line, will I make the correct decisions? More likely, I’ll take my midday oil, drive by Dunkin’ Donuts, and say, “Fuck it, I want a bagel.” And that, my friends, is how empires fall.

Nevertheless, I’m unable to stay away, so let’s give this a try. I have a bottle of extra light (not extra virgin) olive oil and a bag of sugar.

Here’s what I have to work on:

At 5′ 4″ I currently weigh 164 pounds. This is painful to report, especially because I have now seen that Tracy (who is probably a good half foot taller than me) is starting off ten pounds lighter. But I will overcome!

Look for updates when I take the first dose. I plan to keep my favorite foods around to serve as temptation, and–just in case–I’m carrying around a large wad of toilet paper.

You know, behind “Because it’s a supportive thing to do,” there are secrets he could learn.

Look here. Just a boring refrigerator.

I wonder if there’s anything good in there.

Doesn’t look like it.

But wait!

False alarm. It’s just oatmeal. Heh.

I’m so sneaky.

Honestly, anyone who believes a recipe for chocolate chip cookies only makes two dozen is kind of asking for it.

Day 1

10:30 p.m.

Hey, all! Just a quick PM to let you all know I’ve decided to take a break from the board. Nothing personal. With the school year beginning, I need to focus on good habits and not spend all my time writing stupid crap with a bunch of strangers. No offense!

Please keep in touch by pm during this time. Obviously I will not be checking the board.

Day 2

7 a.m.

Hey, guys! Just me again. My break is going so well. Isn’t it funny how I don’t miss the board at all? Honestly, I feel no pull whatsoever to check it out. I am free.

So much to do today! I thought I’d share my list with you, just in case any of you might be inspired to create a list of your own. Here’s what’s on tap for my morning:

• Get the kids off to school.

• Wash and line dry all the sheets and towels in the linen closet while the weather is still nice.

• Clean the bathrooms from top to bottom and use a toothbrush and bleach to get at the grout. I can’t believe I haven’t done that lately.

• Cut up fruits and vegetables for the kids’ after-school snack.

• Prepare dinner; with rolls and French silk pie.

• Pack lunches for tomorrow.

   

Ooh, I think I’ll add a little lavender essential oil to the washing machine. Can you imagine how loved my children will feel when they fall asleep on lavender-scented sheets?

8:30 a.m.

If any of you are thinking of trying my essential oil trick, you may want to hold off. I am waiting for the washing machine repairmen to call me back.

Meanwhile, I will be taking everything out of the bathroom for a deep clean and spraying the tile with bleach water.

The pot roast is seared and cooking in the slow cooker, with vegetables. Oh, there’s the phone!

12 p.m.

I hate to ask you guys this, but would one of you mind posting on the board to find out what these workers generally charge per hour? The repairman is working on my machine, and he’s whistling “We’re in the Money.” Thanks.

While waiting, I started the dinner rolls. The oven is preheating; I will turn it off in a minute and pop the dough inside to rise. I’m blessed!

1 p.m.

Shit. Do any of you know how to clean bread dough off the inside of the oven? I forgot to turn it off and the damn thing frigging exploded. You know what, never mind. I’ll do it myself.

The repairman just told his wife they can “go ahead and enroll Junior in college.”

1:07 p.m.

OK, I’m sorry, but my thread has 37 views and only 2 responses? Damn rubberneckers. Can one of you bump that for me please? Thanks!

Also, I cannot believe what you-know-who said about you-know-what on the election thread. As if we needed to know that!

1:30

The joke is on me, I’m afraid. When I broke down and posted (just three times!) on the election thread, I didn’t even notice the storm clouds moving in. All of our sheets are wet. And dirty. And I don’t have a washing machine. The repairman just left, promising to return and laughing about how he loves special ordering foreign parts. Then he actually waggled his eyebrows at me and did the Funky Chicken on his way to the van.

I guess I have to go to the laundromat. I’ll just jump in the shower first.

2:00 p.m.

I jumped in the shower all right. Then I remembered: no soap, no shampoo. no towels. No real ventilation either. The bleach fumes made me pass out briefly, but I’m pretty sure I’m OK now. I’ll be loading the sheets and towels into the van and heading to the laundromat. I don’t want any of you to worry while I’m gone!

Also, please bump my threads if you get a chance. The bread dough one, and my election call out thread. Thanks.

4 p.m.

Walked in the door, threw the clean linens in a pile on the kitchen floor, and ran to the bus stop. Made it just in time, but sprained my ankle on the damn step.

4:45 p.m.

Shit shit shit. I did not turn on the slow cooker this morning. We are going to Wendy’s.

6:30 p.m.

Topic Title: I’m back!
Topic Starter: TwoHandsandaRoadmap

Hello again, IHMMB!

Did you miss me?

Check it out!

Week Four: Family Week.

For anyone who doesn’t know yet, I’m doing a weeky recap of Nashville Star over at ihmmblifeandstyle.com.

Take a look here: Week Three: Pop Goes Country.

Sometimes I write normal stuff too.

A few people feel downright noble introducing hard discussions, just on principle. “Hey, I’m a communicator. I open doors. I facilitate the tough conversations.” Facilitate this, and leave me the hell out of it.

Possible conversation starters that were never meant to be:

• Are you mad at me?
• Were you avoiding me yesterday?
• I just thought you should know . . .
• Can I have your husband’s sperm?

Are you mad at me?
I wasn‘t. Now that you’ve interrupted my morning, though, I might have to reconsider.

Believe me, I’ll bring something up if I absolutely need to. Otherwise, it’ll pass.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume I am mad at you. Why do I want to have a difficult conversation with someone I’m mad at? Shoot, maybe I don’t like you at all, in which case you should start bothering someone else.

Were you avoiding me yesterday?
Again, probably not. I just didn’t see you. Self-involved much?

Also, see “Are you mad at me?” because if I’m avoiding you, I sure as hell don’t want to talk to you now.

I just thought you should know . . .
These conversations are the worst because it’s never something you should know. It’s only about making the caller feel justified regarding something she’s done.

“I just thought you should know I told Bethany you think her hair makes her look like an orangutan. You know, because I don’t want you to feel awkward next time you see her.”

Or “I just thought you should know my daughter is having a party and your son isn’t invited. This way we can avoid any hard feelings.”

Too late, moron.

Can I have your husband’s sperm?
You are a Taker, and I’ve already written about you.

That’s about it. Some topics are better left in your mind.

I just thought you should know.

Do you screen your calls? Talk about it on the IHMMB Forums!

Note: This is part of a series. Get caught up by reading the introduction and Person #1 first!

You know how there are some people you don’t get to talk to very often? Maybe they live far away, or your schedules just don’t mesh, and when you finally DO catch each other on the phone, you have a lovely, long discussion about everything and nothing, you laugh and cry, and the time flies because you are enjoying yourself so much? Yes?

That’s not what I’m talking about here.

Chitchat Charli is the person who calls and talks forever for no good reason. Often. One topic into the other, some interesting and some not, none of which really matters; after all, it’s not like you get to talk.

For instance, even if you had something to say about the tomatoes she’s growing in her backyard, you’re not going to get to tell her, because when she’s letting you know about the yellow spots on the leaves, she suddenly remembers the spot she got on her favorite white shirt while eating pasta, and OFF she goes on a description of a restaurant she once visited in Italy.

And you know how Italy is shaped like a boot? Well she got a great pair of boots for her kid on clearance AND she had a coupon for free shipping.

Isn’t it funny that “coupon” almost rhymes with “Poupon,” but not quite? Have you ever had Grey Poupon on chicken salad? It’s really good, especially if the chicken salad has grapes . . .

And on and on.

Don’t get me wrong. She might be a very good friend. Most of the time, you probably enjoy your conversations immensely. However, when the kids are fighting, you’re trying to gather everything you need for swimming lessons, and you pick up the phone to find her on the line, you groan.

She is operating on the assumption that you have all the time in the world, and the burden is on you to convince her otherwise. Now depending on your level of friendship, you may be comfortable saying, “Hey, lady, you need to give your jaws a rest before I accidentally burn down the house.”

Or, if you’ve known her for a really long time, “Holy crap, do you ever shut up?”

However, some relationships can’t withstand that kind of honesty. And that is why I screen my calls.

From the safety of my screening status, it’s funny to notice that Chitchat Charli is just barely slowed down by the answering machine.

You know how I leave a message? It goes something like this:

“Hey, this is TwoHands. It’s Tuesday at 9 a.m. and I have a question for you. Can you give me a call when you get a minute? Thanks, bye.”

Eight seconds.

Contrast with a Chitchatter’s message:

“Hey, TwoHands, this is GumFlapper. I was just reading the paper and saw an article that I thought you might be interested in. It’s all about a scientist who . . . and found out during the study that . . . monkeys in a vacuum cleaner . . . but it did cause a rash and . . . The weather today is beautiful so you’re probably outside enjoying it . . . sunlight . . . Vitamin D . . . good for monkey rashes too! . . . anyway, give me a call and I’ll tell you about it.

YOU’LL TELL ME ABOUT IT? What the hell did you just do? You just left me a three-minute message, and now you mean to tell me there’s more? I’ll read the article myself, go out to lunch, and hit Aldi afterwards.

It will take less time.

Note: People Who Force Me To Screen My Calls is the series I began just before the writers took a hiatus. To read the introduction, check here.

Disclaimer: Out of all the people I’ll be profiling here, the Taker is the only one I truly do not like. In fact, I have cut ties with all of them in my life. So if you are from my real life, and I still talk to you, you are not a Taker. You may be one of the other types, but that’s OK. I probably am one of them too.

The Taker, as you might guess, is the person who is always, always looking for a favor and rarely wants to give one. I could talk about this person all day. First of all, let’s call her Kathy. Second, let’s pretend that’s a made up name.

Kathy is the person who always needs free childcare, but shows up 2 hours late the one time she’s supposed to watch your child.

She is the person who wants to borrow your van, and then complains when you tell her the rear latch doesn’t work. Complains!

She’s the person who tries to pressure you into going to some stupid direct sales event, where you ultimately buy all kinds of crap from her, and firmly reminds you after the fact that you owe her five dollars for attending.

The thing about the Taker is, she always has great reasons for why she should be taking and you should be giving. The world is simply out to get her. She puts her child into a Moneyssori school, buys two new cars, cancels her health insurance, and THEN feels entitled to YOUR money, goods, and services because life is so cruel to her. Incidentally, it’s also amazing how many of these people claim to be following a path of higher consciousness.

A typical Taker conversation, should you be foolish enough to engage in one, might look like this:

Me: Hello?

Taker: Hi!

Me: Oh, gosh, hi! How are you? (Holy crap, why did I answer the phone?)

Taker: Well, we’re OK. <sigh> Spouse’s freelance business isn’t going so well and I quit my job because they weren’t respecting my Person-ness as much as they were respecting the full-time employees’! Can you believe it? And we went to Friend’s first communion. Would you believe they wouldn’t let MyChild take communion simply because we’re not Catholic? Those Catholics are so offensive.

Me: Bummer. (Who knew quitting your job and not being Catholic would cause such great discrimination?)

Taker: Yes, well, anyway, I was figuring YourChild could really use a playdate with MyChild.

Me: That might be nice. (Jesus, I wonder if I’ve got enough time to tie down the valuables.) Summer is really busy for us, but we have some free time on Thursday…

Taker: How about tomorrow at 10:30 a.m.? Then I can drop her off and get to my meeting at 11.

Me: Oh, so you won’t be coming? (Is that a tightening in my chest?)

Taker: (Annoyed) No, I can’t miss this meeting! My neighbor actually had the nerve to chop down the branches of our tree that were blocking his driveway! I need to meet with the city to see if we can sue him on behalf of the tree. (Airily) Now I know this will probably interfere with YourChild’s nap, but won’t it be fun for them to get together?

Unfortunately, even screening doesn’t always deter. You can be on to them, but they’re onto you being onto them. I actually had the following message on my machine one time:

Hi, TwoHands, it’s Kathy.I am calling because I need you to do me a favor. I have a class to teach at the Enlightenment House tomorrow at 9 and I don’t have childcare. I’d need to drop her off at 8:45, but I’d probably be back around 1 p.m. If I don’t hear from you, I’m going to just assume that’s all right. You can go ahead and feed her lunch–the kids will like that! Thanks so much, bye.

I swear to you, this happened.

A few Taker facts:
Pro: Knows her own needs and isn’t afraid to advocate for them
Con: A blood-draining, hope-sucking pain in the ass.

Favorite Song: “I Am, I Said”

Favorite Movie: The home movies they demanded that you take for them of their child’s dance recital. It really is your obligation, because their poverty that resulted from Mommy & Me Meditation classes with the Dalai Llama’s first cousin’s publicist left them without any disposable income. They could have provided you with a tape to use, at least, but must you be so selfish?

Share you phone screening tips and tales in the IHMMB Forums